xiong ♥

Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Psalm 37:4

It's so hard to let go something that has gradually , over time , become a part of you .

I have an honest confession .

In real truth , I've never been one to believe that relationships can work out at such a young age .

Albeit knowing there are a few rare cases that relationships at such a young age could sometimes , once in a million times blossom into a lifelong covenant , I've always been skeptical regarding this opinion .

In all honesty - I myself have tried my hand in relationships at a young age only to be waken up with a slap at the reality of it all . The whirlwind of emotions and the honey coated words - they are nice , but beneath them is a core filled with doubt , anxiety , regarding what is and what is to be .

So I told myself , I would wait . Its so tempting to be involved in something that gave you that adolescent , fluttery feeling , and when each of your friends are involved in something where you would be the "lamppost" during outings , and when a decent guy shows up at your doorstep with a lopsided smile on his face . But no , " do not awaken love before it is ready" .

Last year , on the exact date of 20th march 2009 , a day after CF camp , I started a journey with someone I've known throughout my high school years yet never got close . I would only hear of him and look on as he walked by . I never gave him a second thought .

However , it all changed when a random conversation and a night long phone call ignited the start of a beautiful friendship .

He was beautiful - compassionate & kind . He was at that stage where he seemed so on fire for the Lord - and I was , at that point , experiencing the Lord in an all amazing way too . I never ever imagined seeing him as anything more than a friend that I hit it off with . He was at the stage where he was a mess , however - one sexy mess . He seemed so hurt , so vulnerable , questioning so many things about the world and himself . But I enjoyed listening to him as he unveiled one layer of himself after the other where I found him to be greater a person as each day went by .

Emotions of course , tampered with our friendship . One day I woke up realising that I've got myself into something without intending to . I let my guard down , and I slipped . And fell .

We both were never in a relationship . Yet , our hearts were so open to each other that we might as well have been . Is it any suprise that although we both told each other we should not get involved in anything we crossed the barriers that we were supposed to set up ?

Looking back , the barriers were never there . We were so entranced by the knowledge of each other that the truth had no time to surface . The idea of not being in a relationship , not doing the wrong thing , yet being so in love was such an exhilarating thing to experience .

Last year was a tough period for me . When we realised everything - I had to try to sort out my feelings , and my dear grandma also passed away in our heavenly fathers arms right after my midterms . Ever since then , there was so much hurt buried in our hearts .

My feelings for him from the very first day until now have remained constant throughout .

So many tear stained nights have I endured as I wept at the knowledge of loss .

Hearing what he went through , how different he was a person to me , it was a really hard past year for me .

My self esteem dropped and reached peak bottom where until now I live afraid .

We would go through the same cycle everytime - but now I've realised that love cannot change anything . Only God can .

He's leaving this august , and hopefully by then this cycle will stop repeating itself . I'm leaving next year too , to the other end of the world from him . I've caused him so much hurt - and his heart was already vulnerable in the first place . I've made him ashamed . I know I am , too .

I know now that the right thing is to let him go - and to respect his freedom and respect my own .

However painful it might be , its the right thing to do . Its time I returned to the arms of my Creator and find rest there (metaphorically) .

Its time I stop thinking and start doing .

I cant be living a repeat each day of my life .

I love him - I loved him enough to let him go .